I'll be your invisible friend

It's alright, I know you're embarrassed.

This is an article where I pity myself and shame people cause why not? It’s 2026 and I haven’t exploited my free will enough and I am probably crashing out little.

I have friends. Mostly invisible though. I don’t have pictures with them nor any fond memories we made together which can be told a decade or two down the line since we mostly exist quietly in my room. We talk as they decide to cry and I pass my shoulder to lean on.

Growing up in a huge apartment as a “perfectly normal” kid, I was surrounded by kids of my age, elder and younger. I adored everyone and they reciprocated it back. As time went on and my disability became noticeably evident, one thing became clear, I started to stick out like a sore thumb.

I noticed a shift in the way people started talking to me. A sense of “I am such a kind human for talking to her” or “Why am even in the same room as her” started reeking off of people. I noticed the people I thought were my friends started to talk behind my back. I was a subject that made them curious and nothing more.

One fine day, when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I found chits. Small notes meant to be passed around amongst friends and lovers in secrecy. Half of them contained about them trying to figure out whether I am pretending to walk different or is something actually is wrong with me? I saw some claiming that I faked my appendectomy to garner attention. I looked at my stitches and sighed. I saw red for the first time which was diffused immediately when I realized even the teachers are of no use in this matter. Yes, some of the chits were written by my best friends at that time.

It was a slap at my face, a jolt of realization that people are not kind. My pre-teens and teens have passed by mostly me isolating myself and attending school just enough to not get kicked out and developing hobbies, trying new things which I am now proud of.

JEE days was my prime. I met my best friend in Narayana(to all the South Indian kids who suffered during coaching, my heart aches for you). We became inseparable and we still are, though from a far.

Fast forward, I am in my college now, dreading every single second of it. I decided to make friends in first year of my college. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER.

I remember sitting next to the running track with a former friend of mine and we were gossiping. He asks me, “How do you even have friends? Don’t people worry about your disability being a deal breaker?” My jaw dropped. I turned grey. My brain short-circuited. I thought I was more than what I was physically limited to. I thought my intellect, humor and ability to listen and give advice is good enough to be someone’s friend. I was proved utterly wrong. It’s for the best that the friendship didn’t progress yet his words still linger in my mind although it was said two years ago.

I have another really interesting and much more intense story to share but I’ll do it once I’ll get to know you more too ;)

One good thing the college did give me were the two friends I made. Whom I’ll be cherishing for life.

There are two things that will happen to you as your college life progresses in isolation. You doom scroll hours on end, feeling tired, unworthy and incapable of companionship. Then comes the best part, the realization stage. Where you get downloads from either the divine or simply your brain, since it’s tired of pitying. You start working for the things you desire and make real and meaningful impact on yourself. For me working, earning alongside with my education and writing on Substack gave me that motivation.

One day me and my friend went out for a walk and we sat down to catch a break. He said “Money doesn’t buy you happiness” and I was surprised. I was against his statement at first because what do you mean? I am eating and travelling well with all the money I’ve earned! Then he explained. We were never invited to anything. We were both type-casted as the friends you reach out to when you need advice, money and support. Then it hit me again. He was right. I was never invited to anywhere, the only reason I go to places is because I made the plan in the first place and I convinced people to come along. The coke I drank at that moment felt bitter and hard to swallow.

Recently, I have been reflecting a lot. One thing was very obvious to me. A lot of people saw me as their friend because I can make time for their problems or I can lend out money. That hurts quite a lot knowing that it’s almost like you’re their parent and not someone they can have fun with. When they told me they had a good time spending a day out with me, I believed it. Hoping, one day maybe I will get invited as well but that never happened.

So, the next time they want to come to me crying, I’ll keep my arms open, tissues and water ready and two years worth of therapy wisdom waiting to be shed on. I’ll take it all in. My room’s door is wide open for them. Nobody has to know that I am their friend. It can be a secret between you, me and them. I just hope one day I can actually bring the courage for confrontation. Until then, I shall use my very public page to call out on people’s behavior.

Ps: One thing I did notice is people are more welcoming and kinder when they have actually seen the real world. Incubated(metaphorically), spoon fed babies turned into adults are one the main reasons for causing the world to regress. Be open heated, people like us aren’t any less of a human. Life is uncertain in the worst way possible. Kindness and being open to diversifying your friend groups can help you heal and think beyond what you’re conditioned to. Who knows, maybe you can gain a friend who doesn’t see you for all the ranting and begging you do. Thank you for reading my rant.
Your dearest,
Amulya.